Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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