It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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