jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize