I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
