I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
