Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
