I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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