I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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