I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
