He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
