I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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