my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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