Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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