Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
