the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
