allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
