He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
