when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
