yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
