if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
