I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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