I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
