i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
