I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
