sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize