Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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