how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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