It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
