we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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