fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
