Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
