Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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