I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
