yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
is wine microwaveable?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
