I don't usually arrange sex via text message
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The air taste purple.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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