is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
