My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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