I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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