I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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