is your mom at the bar?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
