My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i now understand why vodka
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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