I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Randomize