I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
