I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
True strength comes from lack of pants
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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