I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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