You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
