1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
