she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
