Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
