Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
