I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
