I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
try to milk me bitch
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
