I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
