I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
