do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
