What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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