totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
