He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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